I’ll take my coffee with a side of let’s not go fucking nuts today, please and thank you.
I’m not actually kidding.
When I bought this mug at a local tchotchkes store in Plaza-Midwood, I couldn’t have possibly foreseen what was very quickly going to become our new normal but here we are. As I drank my coffee this morning, emotionally and physically exhausted from being unable to sleep much the past few nights, I couldn’t help but picture the many, many moms and dads alike who were probably doing the very same thing at that very same moment and likely worrying about the very same things I find myself stressing over. I don’t want anyone to be struggling but since the good fight appears to be unavoidable at this current moment in time, I figure it’ll be easier to stomach if I remember that I’m not alone and that we’re all trying to figure it out as we go.
This all really fucking sucks, doesn’t it? It’s not like we needed any fuel to add to the fire that’s already busy burning painful holes into our mental health, our physical wellbeing, and our doubts about the future of our country and the planet.
I’m making an effort to look at the positives this whole shit storm is providing. At the top of that rather short list is the giant dose of perspective slapping me in the face. No, it’s not easy being stuck at home, inside, with my kids all day for the indefinite future. No, I can’t get any work done and I really love my work. And, no, I don’t enjoy trying to explain to my young kids how serious this is. But, there are parents out there who don’t know how to feed their sons and daughters because they depend on free or reduced-cost breakfast and lunch provided by schools to meet their kids nutritional needs. I’m not worried about how to feed my kids or if I’ll find childcare so that I can work in order to continue paying rent or keep my utilities on. I’m not elderly and fearful of what this pandemic could mean for my health and the livelihood of my non-elderly spouse. I’m not worried about the cost of going to the hospital if we happen to fall ill because we have the means to pay for private health insurance through my husband’s company that guarantees we are seen by a doctor for a relatively low cost.
Beyond being generally annoyed by being cooped up and no concrete answers from the people who are in charge of navigating this situation, I’m not worried about much of anything other than explaining to my clients that the design projects I’ve created for them may take a little longer to complete. And that makes me feel like one giant asshole. Albeit, a very fortunate and grateful asshole, but an asshole nonetheless.
I suppose I’ll just have to work harder to offset my self-admitted assholeishness by approaching this chapter as an opportunity to take stock of all of the goodness in my life, the immense amount of unconditional love I’ find myself showered with everyday by my family and friends, clients, and acknowledging the privilege my family and I benefit from.
Sometimes, that’ll look as simple as drinking coffee in the morning and taking a moment to remember that we’re all fighting this fight together and doing our best to navigate the new normal we find ourselves in. Other days, it’ll consist of giving blood due to the severe shortage the medical systems are facing right now and donating food and time to food banks to insure kids bellies are full. And then there will be the times where I simply allow myself to feel and sit in the depths of the shittiness of this fucked up situation we’re in. I’ll lean into the pain and the fear and the worry and the uncertainty. I’ll no longer possess the ability to keep it together for the sake of anyone else’ peace of mind and I’ll implode. I’ll probably cry while sitting under a steady stream of water in our shower. I’ll drown in the feelings of heartbreak and worry and pessimism and doubt and shock and the kind of rage that only a woman is capable of projecting. And then I’ll look over at my beautiful babies in all their imperfect perfection as they wrestle their dad before bed and, in spite of how crazy they all make me, I’ll think how incomprehensible it is to even attempt to articulate how much love I possess within every fiber of my being for those four humans.
So, while, yes, the world is falling apart, the future is inextricably laced with uncertainty, and I feel like I’m dying inside, one constant will remain through all of this and it’s the only thing that actually matters: LOVE.
Keep up the fight. Love your neighbors. Do some good. And don’t be an asshole.